Reverse Psychology

You basically shout out all about your life to the point there’s nothing left which I don’t know about. One minute you’re lambasting at this bitch for accidentally bumping you and the way you said it made me feel like someone was trying to seriously degrade you. Then the next thing I hear from you is your sympathy for the homeless kids with a matching photo and a heart-warming paragraph with it. And oh, I forgot about the advice you were saying that we should pay attention and always be kind. How could I miss that?

That’s enough for me to click unsubscribe (thanks to Facebook for those options).

You tweet about how being positive is really important and you only want to stick and focus to it. Then after five minutes I read a tweet from you again saying you hate this girl is so pathetic for being so stupid. Five minutes more, another tweet about how this other girl is so damn ugly.

Clicking “Unfollow”.

You post a picture of yourself –obviously you found yourself cute or else why would you put it up in the first place. Then the caption would say something in connected to “flaw” like: eye bags, bloated and worse –fat. I don’t know how she came to conclude that being 115 pounds is fat. Then what does she thinks of the real fat fat? As one would say there’s nothing as fast as a girl untagging in photos she doesn’t like of herself.

Suit yourself.

Pwede Pahingi?

Kapag pumunta ka ng Maynila, “Pasalubong! Krispy Kreme!”

Milyonarya nga ako noh tsaka may apat na hand carry lang naman ako. Outdated pala toh, J. Co nanaman ngayon.

Kapag nakakuha ng trabaho abroad, ”Uy, hanapan mo naman ako ng work jan!” 

Baka gusto mo ako pa gumawa ng resume mo?

Kapag umuwi galling ibang bansa, “Pasalubong!” 

O nga noh, nagtrabaho nga pala ako para may maiuwing pasalubong para sa nanay ng kaibigan ng bestfriend mo.

Kapag niyaya mong lumabas kasama mga kaibigan mo dahil na-mimiss mo sila, ”Libre mo? Tara!”

Wala na bang ibang kaibigan?

Kapag nanalo ng premyong salapi, ”Balato naman!” 

Tagal na nga natin di nagkita, ito pa una mong sasabihin?

Kapag nalaman nila magkano swledo mo, ”Wow, libre naman jan!” 

Kahit maliit naman yung sweldo.

Ang masakit pa, kapag ikaw ay nagreklamo o aangal, ikaw pa ang lalabas na swapang at sasabihan ka pa ng ”Ang yabang mo na”.

Hala sige, gamitin niyo na rin twalya at suotin niyo na rin panty ko. Buysit.

A Humble Louis

How to feel good and come out good too.

Series 1

When you’re faced with too many good options and you humbly thought of asking your 1,000 friends to help you decide -should I get a Louis Vuitton, Gucci or a Chanel? What about when you’ve decided to go on a vacation? Actually you have decided the place you’re gonna be visiting, but you somehow you find it necessary to let out how the narrowing-down happened, so you put it up in your status: Korea, Japan or Hong Kong? Well I’m not entirely sure what answers you really expect. Then you'd get these comments (which what you really wanted) from friends and other commentators.

Series 2

Then there’s the kind-hearted pal. She loves trends and shopping. So in time she was able to build up a considerably numerous acquisition of clothes good enough feed a family of three for 5 years. And since you’re not getting enough space for the new ones coming in, what better way to dispose of some than donating it? Anyways who would want to wear a worn-out Havaianas or outdated blouses that’s too embarrassing to be worn because you might look like you have time-traveled from the 2001. Not only you were able to get rid of your unwanted merchandise but you get to come out a kind-hearted kid for it! Of course, to achieve this, you have to have at least enough photos for an album in Facebook to prove it. Win-win situation!

Series 3

All your life, you loved fashion. In all your posts, either it has something to do with the greatness of what you have acquired and purchased or some shots with remarkable people of the country (really, they’re only celebrities). Everything has to be glossy, rich and expensive. You used to have this 5-course dinner with friends at a lovely restaurant for your 16^th birthday which of course you asked your parents to pay for. Then your 20s-something birthday came, suddenly you wanted to throw this celebration with the unfortunate ones. Unknowingly labels them in derogatory terms but come on, you were already doing a charity right? That should buy off all the wrong terms. The idea probably has come from someone remarkable too –who did the same thing and thought it must be a good publi…erm idea. Another win-win situation here! Of course, invite the same friends to come and do this irresistible thing for the less-privileged –that’s more people who are most likely to say some nice comments about how charitable you were on your birthday. I’m sure you’re not forgetting the camera and some little speech there.

P.S. Don’t get me wrong, I love everything rich and glamorous. It’s the 'WHY' why I’m bothered with. And again, I’m penning my irked humble alter-ego. Forgive me if I hit you.

Ignorant or Plain Stupid?

I took this direct flight to my hometown Davao early this year. This flight has been cancelled since probably because of low demand. Here’s how it went.

Almost, if not, all my fellow passengers are also heading back to our own respective hometowns. There was a woman along with her friend, and this friend had another friend -all three of them were seated in the same lane –behind mine. This common friend introduced both strangers to each other and started to do the basic protocol of a start-up conversation like: where are you from and all. I can sense from the way she speaks that it’s her first time going back home, probably after her first stint of work in Singapore. You know, the excited, giddy tone, non-stop talking. That. I braced myself for the possible noise and entertainment I’m gonna be hearing now.

You can’t say it’s eavesdropping right when you did not attempt to listen but then you still hear it. Yeah right.

Everything went the usual as how a flight would. By the time the flight attendant were almost done with their safety regulatory routine, the same woman behind me said, “Kadaghan ba isturya uy, ganiha pa na siya sigeg isturya” (Why is she talking so much?!). This is where my poker face happened. She then went back talking animatedly to her friends.

After five minutes, we’re taxiing away from the building heading to the runway. And it’s not the usual small airport we have in Davao. She blurted out “Unsa man ni? Ganiha pa man ta sigeg tuyok-tuyok. So di na ta mularga ani?” (Are we just going to turn round and round?).

After a couple of hours, the pilot announced that we’re gonna fly low now and start to prepare for landing. This alert is usually 25 minutes before the actual touchdown. A couple of minutes after the announcement she said, “Abi ba nako muabot na ta, ngano dugay man kaayo?” (I thought we're getting there but how come it's taking so long?).

What would Jesus do?

There's a big difference being ignorant and stupid. An ignorant person simply doesn't know yet (and that doesn't mean he's dumb). But a stupid person is ignorant at the same time assuming he knows things without wondering why.

Sarcasm of A Complainant

Let’s put my ego and sarcasm into good use. Remember those times when you’re arguing with a friend about something that both of you couldn’t agree on? Well here are some topics that could have been that.

The Good and Bad Film

He says it’s boring, dragging and hanging. Well it wasn’t your typical explosive blockbuster film but a well-directed story about some serious topic. It’s not anyone’s fault that a bored viewer’s eye couldn’t catch or appreciate the artistry behind the film. He probably had short-term attention span and smaller expanse of understanding. Perhaps missing the sophistication there? So each film can have a different effect per person.

Lesson: A person’s capacity to grasp and appreciate a story and how it’s told is a big factor when it comes to appreciating a film.

The Good and Bad Shoe

People tend to stick to brands and overly endorse their very persuasive opinions (enforcement) to others. She says this brand of shoes is totally uncomfortable and hurtful and discourages everyone not to get a pair from it. The thing is I had one and it suits me fine, fits well, comfortable enough. It’s not my fault she has an excessively large feet right? So treat each shoe apart from the brand (except when we talk about quality). You’ll never know what other people’s mismatch could be your perfect match.

Lesson: Never judge a pair of shoe if it didn’t like you in the first place.

An Attempt at an American Accent

It embarrasses me that I actually have a friend who desperately tries to say her English in an American tone. Well, it’s not American but sometimes it sounds like an alien for the sake of trying too hard pronouncing some words. A “No” is no, but when it’s from her mouth you hear “Nowr” –with a bit of a silent “r”. She was practically putting out her main message out there: I’m insecure about a lot of things but I want to say my English in an Amercian accent. Ridiculous. Pity because she must have put in a lot of effort to say her words but then the only result that comes out of it from the people who heard her is “Ano bay an?!”.

Lesson: Never pretend to be something that you’re not, by all means -except when you’re trying to write an article like this.

P.S. This is a product of an attempt in writing an ironic and sarcastic evaluation. If it comes out to you that the author is egotistical and proud, I apologize it’s the character I’m trying to play here.